good girls go bad......not about the song.....

so i'm really getting bored with this blogspot thing. i think the title part bugs me alot! i never know what to put there! it's annoying. so yesterday i went to Janae's youth group and i think the message was the same message that made janae make her decision of leaving me (bleeding on the floor) lol. it made me look at things differently. Janae is a destraction to my faith and a demon works through her that is specified for me. hmmm.... that's me and janaes closest connection. we share demons! :( the message made me remember about...everything... i was so distracted that whole time. i didn't notice anyone.
i was planning on not going this time. i didn't want to see her. well that's what i was telling myself. and than she semi flirted a little to get me to go like, "i NEED to see you before i leave for camp. i would be sad" and etc... and, of course, i went. then she didn't pay attention to me. hahaha! shocker right?! after youth... she asked,
"how was youth for you?"
i said, "I've been away from Him for a year. ever since u broke up with me. i felt.... well i'm not going into detail. and it put me down. satan gets to me through you . no offence. and i get dreams of dreams of killing myself...etc.... im tired."
she said, "ya. you know i had those problems too that why i quit guys... but what about now?...did youth do anything? do you feel different?"
i said, "truthly, no. made me remember..."
she said, "Try to open up...give God all those problems!"

then i stopped talking.... i'm stuck in this... and i can't kill myself because that is "satan getting through me". that's what youth said, and i need to put the armor of God. hmmm.... i've been dead for a year....




p.s going to hawaii tomorrow. should be packing. i need a vacation from this mess.

stupid China shipping!

So fireworks are really expensive now! they said it's expensive because of some kind of China raising their price on shipping or somthing like that. next time we are going to go up to the Indian Reservation 2 hours up from vancover. WAY cheaper! we normally get fireworks for both the 4 of July and New Years. but we only have enough for the 4 of July. Sad i know! because it's going to be 2010! a first decade in the 21st. century! right? haha! idk. well yeah, my dad said some of my friends can come up for REAL fireworks.... you know..... you guys should come! :)


p.s JAW EXPANDER OUT TOMORROW!!!!

Premonition and the Missing Piece. (please read and comment. very important and serious post to me.)

i'm the worst friend ever. i was planning to go to youth group and i told kyle i was going and to make sure he was going. well he did i guess, and i lost track of time when i was hanging out with another friend at walmart who i see all the time. i feel so bad kyle, i have to make it up to you sometime. text me. call me. ok?

today, i watched movies with lots of death in it. both of them were classified as romance, suspence, and drama. as you guys know, that's exactly what i need right now! yaya! (if you don't think that hypothetical, you don't know me.) anyways, in both movies, one of the loved ones die. both movies were seven pounds and premonition. it makes you think, what possiblely would happen to you if you lost your loved one, your other half, spouse, crush...etc... i know people have been through it and i feel so bad for them. that must be one of the toughest thing to go through. in seven pounds, Ben Thomas (will smith) was working on his phone while driving, he ran into a bus and killed seven people including his wife in the car. after this, he is depressed like no other and impersonates an IRS agent. He tries to find people who need new body parts. such as the blind man, a boy that needed bone marrow, his best friend that needed new lungs, a person who needed a new liver, and his new love who needed a heart. he went around a met/talked to the people who needed these things. he kills himself and he wanted his best friend to promise to get all those people what they needed from them. he was affraid to fall in love again. but in the end the blind man and his new love get together. really good movie but i won't watch it again. i wouldn't be that brave to do all that. i feel guilty and selfish now.
Premonition is about a women who lost her husband in a car crash. this movie is hard to explain because i still don't get it. the movie jumped around. but the main part for me is, is that she lost her husband 3 times in the movie, don't ask why, just watch the movie. wouldn't that be tough losing the one you love 3 times. devistating! one person shouldn't have to go through that! ever! that's just plain wrong. at the end though she had to kids and had one on the way, she still has some part of him. but just as shelby said, love is different, from the love you feel for your kids, to the love you feel for a spouse. maybe she will fall in love again, but that's hard enough. BUT it's just a movie right?..........idk screwed up life we have to deal with.

I've been thinking alot of myself in my situation, i read something last night. if you are still falling for you Ex, support them in any decision they have. talk to them regularly so they feel the have some kind of friendship towards you, still that bond. make them know that you are there for them if they have any problems, they will feel dependant upon you. talk to them about the break up, the situation, how you feel about it and how they feel about it, face to face and alone. very important that it is face to face and alone. if it was your fault that you broke up, (definately not, lol) let her know that you are truly sorry for it. if you follow this, they might change their mind about you. might want to get back together.
i've been basically doing the total opposite than all that, i think that's my problem. isn't the internet wonderful! it points out your flaws! lol. i actually kind of see why she broke up with me, this might be totally not it but you know, it probably is. this will be the first time i will say this so don't judge me. SHE was the first one to make a move. i was the first to say 'i love you' but it took me 2 hours to say it over the phone as to her it took her 2 seconds. i was weak and didn't deserve her, i had to always ask permission because i didn't want to go to far with her, i didn't want to cross her bounderies, but she didn't set them. maybe, if i was more of a frieken man, and made the first move, tell her 'i love you' in person, and made her feel the way she deserves, i would still have her, but i did the opposite and i feel so bad for it... why didn't i do it! i love/loved her always! maybe i was and still is... very shy around people i love. i don't want to lose her so much that that is all i think about, not losing her, which made her stray away from me more and more. i should of been thinking about, not losing her, but keeping her, loving her, enjoying every second of her time as if it was my last, making her feel like she needed and deserved to be. what a selfish freak i am! why did i do this! how can i be such a frieken coward! and WHY does this possibly make me feel better? is it because i finally told someone my flaws? something i never shared with someone? maybe so. to image i still could of had her today, this minute. it just kills me inside yet i feel better that i realized what i did. :)
thank you for reading all of this...shows that you care about me! lol. please comment.


p.s tomorrow, it's Marshall's first day of work. hmmm... yeah. i'm spraying poison oak! yaya! not joking! spraying poison oak is really fun! it teaches those frieken things whose boss! :) lol

what luck i have

so i ran out of paint! but you know what! idc anymore...movie tonight.
watching Year One
9:30pm Albany.
MAYBE.
call me if you want to go.
whitney needs to call me back to give me the latest news.


i need more paint... i will be painting/ rearranging on fathers day.
Great!
worst son in the world blogging right now! :(

alone.

so my mom is switching over to AT&T for the iPhone. and my dad already has one. so i will be on verizon...alone.... :( hate verizon...their phones suck now. they used to have AWESOME phones but they just been going down hill in the last two years... i have one more year on my contract...but i love my phone so that will be easy but still... i want AT&T....

stupidity I say!

for the last 2 nights, i got six hours of sleep. idk why, i normally sleep great! but this whole this with Poems and hanging with Jakob just gets my sleep schedule out of place! stupid! I "woke up" at 5am and at 8am, i couldn't handle it anymore, i fell on the couch, totally out! i slept intill now! what do i do?! I'm STILL tired. Jakob slept though, he had a golf thing today so he had to wake up early. it was really funny! he brought his lamp and alarm clock!
Even though i got limited sleep, i didn't just stay up, my mind went blank while my eyes were open, wierdest thing ever! Hopefully i get to sleep tonight! I don't think i will be going to youth group this week since I go every OTHER week, I'm tired, and Jakob goes every other week to. so that's how that's playing out. need to see other friends soon. don't get me wrong, this has been a fun week with Jakob so far, but i have other friends to! :) We will hang out again thursday and MAYBE friday. If we hang out friday, we are going to watch Year One in theaters, one of the reasons i didn't want to have the party friday, hehe! :) but hopefully you catched the word MAYBE, i might be going to the coast with my dad and grandpa. FATHERS DAY WEEKEND,way funner then mothers day, definately! OH! and Fathers Day is Sunday! SON-day! yeah, it's also my weekend! lol. I don't think i missed anything, so yeah comment my posts, they're lonely, so am I. :(

not again...

well, i'm feeling that semi-depressed feeling again... idk why this time... part of me has just been gone to long, my other half. *sigh*. maybe i will go to sleep. maybe i'm just tired. idk. :(

well i should really make my blogs longer....seriously! need to get on that!